Shocker of the day May 1, 2007

Sometimes only Sarah will do.

Today’s song: Sweet Surrender – Sarah Mclachlan

“it doesn’t mean much
it doesn’t mean anything at all
the life i’ve left behind me
is a cold room
i’ve crossed the last line
from where i can’t return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home”

Maybe here at my new (lesser known) blog home I can finally talk. I mean really vent.

I left my job of 13 years about 4 months ago now. It was always my home, my safe place, my family. The end was bitter. In fact, the only conversation I have had with my boss (a person I used to consider to be my very best friend) in those four months was a horrible screaming match where for the very last time he made me feel that I was wrong (which i wasn’t). That is what he does. He has always manipulated situations to make me take the blame when rationally i know that it makes no sense.

The last straw came tonight. I heard from a friend today who had visited my previous place of employment last week and he told me who had taken over my job. He assumed I knew… I didn’t.  What you have to understand is that my job wasn’t just a job.. it was everything to me. I put my heart and soul into everything I did. Ultimately it is what lent to my decision to leave. I knew i would never get back even close to what i was puting in. I knew the moment I walked out the door for the last time that it would be incredibly hard to ever come back and visit (things were still friendly at this point). It would kill me to see someone doing MY job and benifiting from all MY hardwork. What I never expected was this…..

If you have read before you might have noticed that I eluded to an affair with HIM (not my boss but someone who I worked closely with). HE was someone who was always unavailable for the 13 years I knew him but someone who I had had a crush on the whole time. When out of the blue we hooked up it was the most insane time of my life. I had never (and maybe never will) been that happy… ever. For the first time in my life I felt complete.. I felt whole. I felt like I had never loved anyone before HIM and never would again. I actually thought that things were going to work out. When it all crashed at my feet a few months later I was devestated. Equally out of the blue he hooked up with HER. SHE was someone who worked for me, was considerably younger and someone who I had never really gotten along with. My world crashed. It may sound silly but it was without any doubt the single most crushing thing that has ever happened to me. I was lost and because of circumstances I couldn’t talk about my hurt with anyone.

So here is the twist. The final cruelty. The ultimate fuck you. SHE now has my job. Hearing the news was like it all happening again. HIM leaving me.. me leaving my job… the pain was all back. It came fast and hard. I actually think I stopped breathing. I just don’t know how to process this information.

I need another drink..

Teardrops April 30, 2007

Song of the day:  Teardrops on my guitar – Taylor Swift

“the only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart..
he’s the song in the car i keep singing, don’t know why i do”

a new day April 15, 2007

song of the day:  heavenly day – patty griffin

a new day.. a new blog.

here i go.

A serious question April 11, 2007

Song of the day : Wild Horses – Sheryl Crowe (a Rolling Stones cover)

Question for any of you who may still be reading my blog… do you hide behind your blog? Does the internet become a place to stop actually communicating with the “real” people in your life? I was confronted with the reality that maybe i spend too much time on the internet with my beloved mac rather than living in the real world. How does that sit with you all?

just because i needed something new to look at April 1, 2007

song of the day: easy silence – dixie chicks

so.. whats new with jen? hmm.. jen works, drinks, and loves facebook!! lol, thats right, its some good times. i’m also loving my photography class. i am learning alot, having a tonne of fun and have met a great new bunch of gals!

what else? the leafs won tonight. Yay!!! It is still mathematically possible that we could make it into the playoffs… thats good news.

even more? trying desperately to not live in the past. it’s tough. i’ve always been the person that lives in the past. that talks about “the good old days”. i am puting forth an honest effort to live in the moment and put all the bullshit behind me. aside from a few weak moments that we all have like an angry text (that not-shockingly got zero response), and a brief moment of giving into the drama i have to say that i am doing pretty good in my new life.

as always i am also loving the music. love hearing the how others express their thoughts and feeling and am in awe at how they so mirror my own.

Yet another reason… February 17, 2007

why i absolutely love finding new music

Joshua Radin “Paperweight” at the Last Kiss premiere

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shots February 16, 2007

song of the day: save a horse ride a cowboy – by some dude that is cool

shots are fun.. never liked them before.. really like them now

drama sucks.. people suck… i rule

Random Post January 24, 2007

Today’s song: Sia – Breathe Me
“Help I have done it again,
I have been here many times before…
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is that theres no one else to blame”

There have been a lot of changes in my life the last two months… Its tough to even describe everything that has changed… I feel that not only have the things around me changed but my spirit has as well. I feel like I am less like myself than I have ever been… and yet more like myself than even.

I chose to remove myself from a situation that has consumed me for a long time. I made the decision to leave my job of 13 years and the people who were like family to me.. who were my whole world are lost to me now. It can be a little overwhelming to change your entire life without the support of the people who have always been there for you. Don’t get me wrong…. I am loving my new surroundings and they certainly seem to love me… its just a lot of change. I’ll tell you though, its nice to feel like what I am doing is appreciated and is “right”. Its nice to feel like I am trusted with decisions and that my knowledge and hard work is respected. I finally can come home and not be always second guessing myself.

I am strong. I am independent. I know these things. I can rise and fall on my own. I make some pretty terrible decisions…. both in the past and more recently as well. But I learn… I really do. What I will NOT do though is accept sole responsibility for those decisions. As they say.. it takes two to tango baby. I will not lay down and feel like a peice of shit. I just won’t.

There are a lot of things jumping around in my mind now.. You will have to excuse this random post. So many thoughts… so little I can actually explain.

On a happy note though, I started my first photography class last week. Intermediate Digital Photography. It was a tad intimidating at first but I think I am gonna love it. I wish I could get out and shoot more…. but its damn cold out!!!!! LOL. Maybe working inside in a studio will get me inspired to branch out and take pictures inside too!! I wanna get my portfolio going though cuz I have had interest from a local gallery to sell some of my stuff. Woohoo. How freaking cool would that be???

I could write more… but I won’t. I’ll just leave it for now that things are ok… I am ok… I will be ok..

Eek! December 31, 2006

I was cleaning.. and I just realized I own 37 pairs of shoes…

I didn’t realize it was that bad!

A holiday meme December 19, 2006

Today’s Song: Baby it’s cold outside – Ella Fitzgerald

So I may have stole this little meme from Canadian Mark

2006 Holiday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?

Hot Chocolate with that new mint chocolate baileys. Mmmm

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?

Most definitely not wrapped. Everything is piled in and around the stocking for easy access.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?

White.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?

Nope.

5. When do you put your decorations up?

As early as possible without looking like a crazy lady.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?

Mashed potatoes and gravy… although that is pretty much my fave all year round. With my family though you gotta get while the gettin is good and grab those potatoes before all the crazy uncles get to them.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:

They are all great!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

When I saw my mom loading a garbage bag full of things into the trunk while packing up the car to go to my aunts house where we stay over Christmas eve. I can’t remember how old i was…

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

Only when I forget to pack socks or something and then my mom will tell me which one to open. Otherwise everything gets opened Christmas day.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?

With lots and lots of stuff. I kind of looks like Santa threw up in my living room right now.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?

Hate it. Brrrr. Snow sucks. Although a rainy Christmas would suck too.

12. Can you ice skate?

Am I Canadian???? Of course!

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?

I think the gift i was most excited about was when I was like 12 or something and I finally got my own phone for my room. So lame… but at the time it was the greatest thing in the world!!

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?

I’ll be cheesy for a sec and say “spending time with friends and family”

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?

Anything and everything my mother bakes. I love it all. She bakes ALOT!!!

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?

Probably getting away from above mentioned much loved family and going to the bar Christmas day night. Usually to celebrate Nate’s birthday. Its gotta suck sharing a birthday with Jesus. I mean, all the attention is so not on you so we like to go out and get drunk and celebrate not only the birth of our Lord but Nathan too. Lol.

17. What tops your tree?

A purty angel.

18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving?

Giving. Although this year…. haha I might want to start my shopping if i plan on doing any giving.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?

I am completely obsessed with Christmas music. I could list off every single song I love but that might take forever. I am not kidding…. I guess if I had to pick though it would be either “Oh come all ye faithful” or “Once in Royal Davids City”

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?

Must be traditional and then they are yum. Its the worst when you take a lick and its strawberry or something unexpected. There should be a law against random flavoured candy canes looking like the real deal.

And there is my Christmas rant. I may blog again before the holidays but if not Merry Christmas to everybody!!!